Getting Caught Up

So the other night I kind of had an epiphany, or what some of you might call a breakdown. I was sitting down on my bed when all of a sudden it was as if time stopped and everything-all of my thoughts and all my actions- finally caught up to me. I know this is lame and I know I’m a guy and everything but I couldn’t help but cry.

In the moment I realized how poorly I treat some people. And not just random people, but the ones I love: family, close friends, my dog, my salamander etc. It’s funny because when I was actually COMMITTING those thoughts and actions, I didn’t think much of it other than a mental pause that lasted no more than a second.

When all of these thoughts and actions caught up to me though, it hurt. It hurt me because I knew it hurt them. I try to be a good person, but I’m just not. I don’t know if it’s the way I was raised, or if it’s part of the culture that’s engrained in me, but the only person I can blame is myself. That mental pause, I’m guessing, was my moral conscious warning me that I don’t agree with my actions.

Lately it has been hard for me to distinguish my own values. Some days I’ll be doing something and I believe one thing, and the next day something happens that makes me believe the opposite. For instance…There are days when I wake up and look at the sky or a crowded intersection and I see how amazing and special being alive truly is. Then, all of a sudden, the next day I wake up and I realize we are just here as part of some mere coincidence; we just happen to be on a planet with suitable living conditions for life. Now that’s just one example.

I think the reason I wanted to write this down was because I know there is hope for me and for others. I feel like I can’t be the only one to experience these feelings and these moments where we catch up with ourselves and free ourselves of our own wrong-doing. It has been known that communication is a fundamental necessity for life, for building communities and to share ideas. Yet, every day we hit barriers like these that keep us from reaching our true potentials; to be open and honest without a hint of doubt or insecurity.

In the end, It is up to you and me to make decisions that not only better ourselves, but others and to feel good about our thoughts and actions. Live in the moment and feel free to voice your opinion because it DOES matter. If you have every looked up to someone or have read quotes and have seen the power thoughts have, then you know how important yours are as well.


Jordy